Any place but york

Since the end of soccer season last year I have had a question lingering in my mind. one i have struggled with a lot. Should I leave York college to go somewhere else.

There are places with more money, better scholarships, better soccer programs, better everything.


And i have struggled with this. At times i had my foot halfway out the door. Then God Slammed that door in my face this week.


When i was in in high school i had depression that i couldn't get through. All i could think of was the crap going on. When i found Christ, it got much better. I was maturing and growing, and my faith was growing and maturing. This past summer though, my faith started starving. for the first time i missed church more than 3 weeks in a row. I wasn't reading my bible, or praying constantly. i had lost a lot of the things that connected me with God. So all i had was my job at walmart and my roommates. So i started a bit of a downward spiral. I was having anger issues. Anger that i didn't understand or know why it was there. My roommates where the unfortunate victims of this. fortunately they understood and worked with me.


So going into the new school year i was having anger issues and some depression issues. I had starved myself and was having "God withdrawal". And as preseason progressed things got worse. I became incredibly self critical of my soccer playing. I am a naturally reflective and critical. The difference? I was very negative. Outside of soccer things were not going so well either. I had friends stab me and the back, and friends just stop talking to me.


I was crashing. Hard.


So things were getting better. I got through the crap going on, but not unharmed. I had slipped back into my depression. I couldn't shake the sadness. And then last Sunday it hit rock bottom. at 1 in the morning i had a freak accident where a stall door crashed on my foot, so i had to get stitches. I got back from the ER at 3 am and went to sleep. I did not get up for church, which irritated me. I was supposed to go to Lifewalk with my friends. Then at 1:30 in the afternoon i head to get ready for our soccer game.


I told coach that i couldn't play. I was physically unfit. He agreed and said i would suit up "just in case". Five minutes before kick off he tells me I'm starting. I was concerned. i was hurting and wouldn't be at 100%. 25 minutes into the game we were down 3-0. it was bad, our whole team was playing bad. So coach pulled me for our other keeping. Getting off the field i was pissed. I felt full of shame and embarrassed for being pulled in front of our home crowd.


Bad stuff happens when I'm pissed.


I swore. I said it was bull-. And then coach and i had a short back and forth and i then said it again.


Bad idea.


Awful idea.


He told me to leave the stadium.


The walk out is the longest walk i have ever had. I couldn't shake the feeling of shame. At the same time i had just potentially ruined everything. I am at york because of my soccer scholarship. I don't play soccer, i don't go to York. I cant afford it.

I questioned whether life was worth living for the first time in years.


I was on the edge of giving up. I was broken. I had messed everything up.


I wasn't gonna give up though. I never give up.


So i did what was right. I made amends, with coach, and with God.


I ended up with a one weak suspension from soccer. It was one loooong week.


But a great one.


God spoke to me in a very obvious way. He wasn't going to let this go to waste. People around me picked me up. They told me to keep my head up high. They showed compassion and caring that i had not felt very often. People who i wasn't even close with had my back. They were supporting me, they cared. I know now the reason I am here. And i will never leave. York is my home, York is my family, God spoke to me through York.


I am blessed to be here. In this past week my faith has be rejuvenated, and my depression melted away.


God is Good.


2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.